I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Randomize
