Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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