I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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