You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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