I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
