You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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