I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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