I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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