Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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