who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
