I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
