it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
