glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
