i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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