If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
