her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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