everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
It's shark week go big or go home
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
