i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
