the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
