i permit you to call me
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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