Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.