whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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