my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
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Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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