My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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