i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
