Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
