Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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