My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
