I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
