Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
wanna go halves on a baby?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
