My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
