I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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