Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
