Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
