I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
