I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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