I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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