Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Dignity is for republicans.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
