its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
birth control should be required to get into college
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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