And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
