thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
