Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
