I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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