he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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