I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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