You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
