How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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