he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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