If that was your dad, he is hot
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
