Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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