i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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