seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
