At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
