where am i from again
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
